


four songs about losing you

by phaniel



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Drabble, Loss of love, M/M, Sad, Songfic, This is gonna be a rollercoaster, amnesia!dan, no fluff yet but just wait
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 17:04:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11605020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phaniel/pseuds/phaniel
Summary: where they're trying to pick up pieces of broken memories and a shattered relationship





	four songs about losing you

**Author's Note:**

> so this is the first part of this series based off flatsounds four songs about losing you. 
> 
> i based some events in this off of real personal experiences for me so it's kinda tender.

_days dedicated to the thought of being through_

_and i just want to lay in bed with you_

_and admit that i'm so tired of everything i do_

_but with you_ _\- it was new_

_and i can't stop thinking of the moon_

_or the nights i saw your breath in the room_

_so draw a line within the snow_

_between what you thought and what you know_

_and in that space i'll build a home_ _and i'll wait_

_if this fire goes out i will keep you warm_ _the best i can_

_i'll throw everything i have into the flames just to make it last_

Phil stared out the window of the cab, the cold London air outside clashing with the heat in the car and making the windows foggy. He told his cab driver to take him to the nearest park, he couldn’t stand being in the flat any longer. Wallowing was making him sick to his stomach, but he couldn’t find it in him to do anything actually involving social interaction.

He tries not to think of Dan, he really does.

But he can’t help it that a simple thing like a foggy window makes him think of Christmas time starbucks drinks, and cuddling up to their fireplace turning on a movie for it to eventually be abandoned in favor of snogging and knocking over a hot chocolate in the process so they could just say screw it and clean it later.

He thinks of how cold they would keep their room so when they cuddled up it just made them that much more cozy. He thinks about soft hands brushing his skin and touches that make him feel-

Phil blinks back to reality when he see’s the cab driver giving him a soft look and a “Alright mate?” because he was so caught up on being miserable that he didn’t even realize he had arrived at his destination.

He thanks his driver and tips him before making his way round the wintery landscape. He sits by the pond that is now frozen over and traces patterns into the snow.

The imprints left on it remind him of warm sunny florida beach trips, his boy’s sun kissed skin as he traced a love heart on the ground with their initials. Phil thinks about their old tree in manchester from when Phil showed him his secret hiding place that he used as a child. And how Dan carved their initials into the tree saying some bullshit about how they are now a part of nature which makes them have an unseperable bond.

Phil wishes he actually thought it was bullshit now, but he doesn’t. He wants to ask if they were a part of nature, a force to be reckoned with, why didn’t things go to plan?

Why does life come when things are going great and flip them and make it shit?

His first love. His only love. His other half.

And Dan didn’t even recognize him.

Well he did, but not as his lover.

Just as the boy he had talked to once or twice on his laptop.

He couldn’t even stop the urge he still had to hold him, to tell him everything was going to be fine, he would remember, because surely life wouldn’t be that unfair to them.

It couldn’t take his happiness away. They promised they would let nothing tear them apart. Phil figures he can’t expect him to hold to a promise he doesn’t even remember making. He would give anything to let his boy remember.

The ring he has still on his knuckle is his reminder that even if Dan doesn’t keep his end of the promise, he should because the what ifs of if Dan wakes up one day and remembers, and things go exactly the way they were supposed to before.

Because life was supposed to be good to them. They were one entity, a bonded being that made millions smile and laugh.

His phone buzzes in his pocket and he pulls it out of his pocket with a sigh. It even turned the ducks away when his phone let out the shrill noise.

__**ur wonderful fiance who loves you**__

__**phil i’m sorry i guess, you can come back to the flat though, we can just watch the videos and keep trying...** _ _

He felt his throat tightening and eyes watering as he tried to think of an appropriate response. They had been watching videos for weeks and nothing triggered his memories. Not their first video, not their most recent video, not the video he made especially for him all those years ago. He sent back a response that was pointless.

******I’d give anything for you to have those memories back.** ** **

He knew it probably wasn’t helping with Dan’s guilt or shame, but he couldn’t stop himself. He saw the typing bubbles remain on the screen for a good three minutes, before disappearing entirely with no message coming through. What he didn’t know was the boy on the other side was crying over a ring and a memory box that served no purpose because to him they weren’t bloody memories, with an abandoned text on his phone that read

__********i’d give anything to be able to make you happy like you were before.** ** ** ** _ _

 

**Author's Note:**

> alright well... that is a sad start
> 
> comment letting me know if you guys want me to continue it bc idk if i should :/


End file.
